Budget

When I was growing up both of my parents worked. My dad was a professor at the local college and the treasurer of at a theatre box office during the summer. My mom was a librarian at a local elementary school. My mom was a spender! Every Saturday was spent shopping with my mom, that’s what she did. I never remember my parents talking about money, or having fights about money. I saw them both work hard and buy nice things without stress.

My husband’s family was not as financially stable as mine. His mom didn’t work and his dad went from job to job just trying to make enough money to support his family. His mom wasn’t very responsible with money, so if she had it she spent it. 

So when we got married, it seemed like we were coming from opposite backgrounds, but we discovered a couple of big similarities that neither of us wanted to continue in our marriage. Both of our mother’s were spenders, and because of that both of our dad’s had to spend a lot of their time working. For our family, we didn’t want my husband to have to work more then he had to, so we could spend more time together as a family. We decided early that we would live on a budget. It took us years to really figure out how to have a budget that you could live on, but we have done it. We both have a strong testimony of tithing. If we pay tithing money doesn’t magically appear, instead we see the blessing that we will be able to create budget’s and live within our budget. 

We both have realized that just like many things in life, the financial part of our life is an ongoing journey. It needs constant work and attention and needs to be adjusted from time to time. 

Unity

I really enjoyed reading the article from Richard Miller, “Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families”.  There is some great information in this article that provides great guidance for families. I think the most important point is that as parents, we must be united in leadership in regards to our families. We have seen it in our own family, where kids will ‘parent shop’ and/or play us as parents against each other. I really agree with the ‘executive session’, where if there is something that you are not seeing eye to eye, you need to go and talk where little ears can’t hear you. 

A really valuable point made in this article is to show that you are united in your leadership, you need to show respect for one another and refrain from ever saying anything negative about your spouse in front of your kids. I know that sometimes things can slip in the heat of the moment, but we need to remember that when things like that it shows weakness in our unity with our spouse. I love the counsel give by Joseph F. Smith,

 “Parents … should love and respect each other, and treat each other with respectful decorum and kindly regard, all the time. The husband should treat his wife with the utmost courtesy and respect. The husband should never insult her; he should never speak slightly of her, but should always hold her in the highest esteem in the home, in the presence of their children … The wife, also should treat the husband with the greatest respect and courtesy. Her words to him should not be keen and cutting and sarcastic. She should not pass slurs or insinuations at him … Then it will be easy for the parents to instill into the hearts of their children not only love for their fathers and their mothers, not only respect and courtesy towards their parents, but love and courtesy and deference between the children at home.”

Faithful

“Be faithful in your marriage covenants in thought, word, and deed”

• President Howard W. Hunter

When we are faithful to our spouse, it is more then just not having physical relationships with other people. We need to be faithful not only in our physical actions, but in our thoughts and words. We need to always respect our spouse and not be mean spirited or demean them. In regards to pornography, I think that Satan has made this very cunning way to destroy a marriage. There is no physical touch to others, so a lot of the times people that view pornography don’t see it as cheating. But as President Howard W. Hunter has said, “Pornography, flirtations, and unwholesome fantasies erode one’s character and strike at the foundation of a happy marriage. Unity and trust within a marriage are thereby destroyed.” He makes it very clear, that this can ruin an eternal marriage. 

We need to put in the work and cultivate our relationships with our spouses. We need to let them into our hearts, and share our concerns and our dreams. We need to continually turn towards each other. We need to see the good in each other and show affection. Not everyone shows it in the same manner, so we need to be mindful of that. We need to support one another and build each other up. 

We need to also be spiritually faithful to our spouses. “Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time; Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.” Matthew 5:27-28.

Charity

“But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him. Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen.” (Moroni 7:47-48)

This scripture is the key to happiness. If we can have charity we will look at the world differently.  It even tells us how to get charity. When we have charity especially in our marriage we will always see the good that is in our spouse. When we focus on the good it will become more pronounced till that is all that we can see. As Wendy Watson said, “the best-kept secret in many marriages is the strengths spouses see in each other … An interesting fact about commending your spouse is that the more you do it, the more you see in him or her to commend.”

I think when we see others as Christ does, we have a huge change of heart.

Choice and Accountability

“For verily, verily, I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another. Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away.” (3 Nephi 11:29-30)

The family has always been Satan’s target to take down and destroy in anyway he can, and contention is one of his biggest weapons. When there is anger or contention the Spirit cannot dwell there. We need to remember that we have a choice in all things, we can choose not to be mad. We need to keep our eye on the big picture when we feel anger and contention creeping in. If we can keep in mind that we can control ourselves and not let Satan.

Beware of Pride

I have heard the word PRIDEa lot throughout my life and haven’t thought much about it. But after reading President Ezra Taft Benson’s talk, “Beware of Pride” my eyes have been opened to how dangerous pride is and how common it is in our lives.

“Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves. Most of us consider pride to be a sin of those on the top, such as the rich and the learned, looking down at the rest of us. There is however, a far more common ailment among us - and that is pride from the bottom looking up. It is manifest in so many ways, such as faultfinding, gossiping, backbiting, murmuring, living beyond our means, envying, coveting, withholding gratitude and praise that might life another, and being unforgiving and jealous.”

When I think of pride I think of power and those who are better off then most. This quote has taught me that even those on the bottom can be prideful. All of the descriptive words listed are relatable to most of us. This shows that we all need to beware of pride. 

“Another face of pride is contention. Arguments, fights, unrighteous dominion, generation gaps, divorces, spouse abuse, riots, and disturbances all fall into this category of pride. Contention in our families drives the Spirit of the Lord away. It also drives many of our family members away. Contention ranges from a hostile word to worldwide conflicts. The scriptures tell us that ‘only by pride cometh contention.”

Having a large family, I can relate to how when there is contention in the home it drives the spirit away. However, I never considered pride to be connected to contention. It is so important that we strive to keep contention out of our homes. 

“Pride adversely affects all our relationships - our relationship with God and His servants, between husband and wife, parent and child, employer and employee, teacher and student and all mankind. Our degree of pride determines how we treat our God and our brothers and sisters. Christ wants to lift us to where He is. Do we desire to do the same for others?”

It is so important that we cherish our relationships, especially those within our family. That is Satan’s biggest goal, to destroy the family. If we are Christ-like, we will become cheerleaders for those we care about and try to life them up just like Christ is always trying to life us up.

“The antidote for pride is humility - meekness, submissiveness. It is the broken heart and contrite spirit.”

It is so important that we are aware of how we stop pride. To be humble is the key to staying away from pride. We need to carry the love of Christ in our hearts so we can be like Him. 

Turning Towards Each Other

President Gordon B. Hinckley has said, “I find selfishness to be the root cause of most of [the problems that lead to broken homes]. I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion…There is a remedy for all of this. It is not found in divorce. It is found in the gospel of the Son of God. He it was who said, ‘What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder’ (Matthew 19:6). The remedy for most marriage stress is not divorce. It is in repentance. It is not in separation. It is in simple integrity that leads a man to square up his shoulders and meet his obligations. It is found in the Golden Rule.”

I think this is great advice given by a Prophet that is supported by scripture. The last sentence is so simple and so true.  When I think of little ways that my husband and I stay connected they are all by turning toward each other. We have been married for over 26 years and we learned about 10 years how to really work as a team. When you are part of a team, you have your job to do and your teammates have theirs. If we both do our jobs, and are there to back each other up we will be successful. Life is busy for everyone, with five kids it seems that its always go, go, go. 

We have also learned the importance of spending one on one time with each other. We go on walks on his days off and talk for a few miles. It’s unfiltered, no little ears of kids listening. We do our best reconnecting and understanding each others points of view during our walks. We have date night every week. Sometimes it’s a nice dinner, sometimes a movie so we can just sit with one another and hold hands and sometimes it’s a trip to Costco. We take whatever time we can find and be together. 

The little actions of making the bed in the morning when you are the last one up, or bathing our little guy and reading him a chapter, or buying one another’s favorite treat when we are out are the little things that really add up and make us feel connected. As a couple we spend more time focusing on the little things in our lives and we find when we do there are big rewards for each other.