Budget

When I was growing up both of my parents worked. My dad was a professor at the local college and the treasurer of at a theatre box office during the summer. My mom was a librarian at a local elementary school. My mom was a spender! Every Saturday was spent shopping with my mom, that’s what she did. I never remember my parents talking about money, or having fights about money. I saw them both work hard and buy nice things without stress.

My husband’s family was not as financially stable as mine. His mom didn’t work and his dad went from job to job just trying to make enough money to support his family. His mom wasn’t very responsible with money, so if she had it she spent it. 

So when we got married, it seemed like we were coming from opposite backgrounds, but we discovered a couple of big similarities that neither of us wanted to continue in our marriage. Both of our mother’s were spenders, and because of that both of our dad’s had to spend a lot of their time working. For our family, we didn’t want my husband to have to work more then he had to, so we could spend more time together as a family. We decided early that we would live on a budget. It took us years to really figure out how to have a budget that you could live on, but we have done it. We both have a strong testimony of tithing. If we pay tithing money doesn’t magically appear, instead we see the blessing that we will be able to create budget’s and live within our budget. 

We both have realized that just like many things in life, the financial part of our life is an ongoing journey. It needs constant work and attention and needs to be adjusted from time to time. 

Unity

I really enjoyed reading the article from Richard Miller, “Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families”.  There is some great information in this article that provides great guidance for families. I think the most important point is that as parents, we must be united in leadership in regards to our families. We have seen it in our own family, where kids will ‘parent shop’ and/or play us as parents against each other. I really agree with the ‘executive session’, where if there is something that you are not seeing eye to eye, you need to go and talk where little ears can’t hear you. 

A really valuable point made in this article is to show that you are united in your leadership, you need to show respect for one another and refrain from ever saying anything negative about your spouse in front of your kids. I know that sometimes things can slip in the heat of the moment, but we need to remember that when things like that it shows weakness in our unity with our spouse. I love the counsel give by Joseph F. Smith,

 “Parents … should love and respect each other, and treat each other with respectful decorum and kindly regard, all the time. The husband should treat his wife with the utmost courtesy and respect. The husband should never insult her; he should never speak slightly of her, but should always hold her in the highest esteem in the home, in the presence of their children … The wife, also should treat the husband with the greatest respect and courtesy. Her words to him should not be keen and cutting and sarcastic. She should not pass slurs or insinuations at him … Then it will be easy for the parents to instill into the hearts of their children not only love for their fathers and their mothers, not only respect and courtesy towards their parents, but love and courtesy and deference between the children at home.”

Faithful

“Be faithful in your marriage covenants in thought, word, and deed”

• President Howard W. Hunter

When we are faithful to our spouse, it is more then just not having physical relationships with other people. We need to be faithful not only in our physical actions, but in our thoughts and words. We need to always respect our spouse and not be mean spirited or demean them. In regards to pornography, I think that Satan has made this very cunning way to destroy a marriage. There is no physical touch to others, so a lot of the times people that view pornography don’t see it as cheating. But as President Howard W. Hunter has said, “Pornography, flirtations, and unwholesome fantasies erode one’s character and strike at the foundation of a happy marriage. Unity and trust within a marriage are thereby destroyed.” He makes it very clear, that this can ruin an eternal marriage. 

We need to put in the work and cultivate our relationships with our spouses. We need to let them into our hearts, and share our concerns and our dreams. We need to continually turn towards each other. We need to see the good in each other and show affection. Not everyone shows it in the same manner, so we need to be mindful of that. We need to support one another and build each other up. 

We need to also be spiritually faithful to our spouses. “Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time; Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.” Matthew 5:27-28.

Charity

“But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him. Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen.” (Moroni 7:47-48)

This scripture is the key to happiness. If we can have charity we will look at the world differently.  It even tells us how to get charity. When we have charity especially in our marriage we will always see the good that is in our spouse. When we focus on the good it will become more pronounced till that is all that we can see. As Wendy Watson said, “the best-kept secret in many marriages is the strengths spouses see in each other … An interesting fact about commending your spouse is that the more you do it, the more you see in him or her to commend.”

I think when we see others as Christ does, we have a huge change of heart.

Choice and Accountability

“For verily, verily, I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another. Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away.” (3 Nephi 11:29-30)

The family has always been Satan’s target to take down and destroy in anyway he can, and contention is one of his biggest weapons. When there is anger or contention the Spirit cannot dwell there. We need to remember that we have a choice in all things, we can choose not to be mad. We need to keep our eye on the big picture when we feel anger and contention creeping in. If we can keep in mind that we can control ourselves and not let Satan.

Beware of Pride

I have heard the word PRIDEa lot throughout my life and haven’t thought much about it. But after reading President Ezra Taft Benson’s talk, “Beware of Pride” my eyes have been opened to how dangerous pride is and how common it is in our lives.

“Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves. Most of us consider pride to be a sin of those on the top, such as the rich and the learned, looking down at the rest of us. There is however, a far more common ailment among us - and that is pride from the bottom looking up. It is manifest in so many ways, such as faultfinding, gossiping, backbiting, murmuring, living beyond our means, envying, coveting, withholding gratitude and praise that might life another, and being unforgiving and jealous.”

When I think of pride I think of power and those who are better off then most. This quote has taught me that even those on the bottom can be prideful. All of the descriptive words listed are relatable to most of us. This shows that we all need to beware of pride. 

“Another face of pride is contention. Arguments, fights, unrighteous dominion, generation gaps, divorces, spouse abuse, riots, and disturbances all fall into this category of pride. Contention in our families drives the Spirit of the Lord away. It also drives many of our family members away. Contention ranges from a hostile word to worldwide conflicts. The scriptures tell us that ‘only by pride cometh contention.”

Having a large family, I can relate to how when there is contention in the home it drives the spirit away. However, I never considered pride to be connected to contention. It is so important that we strive to keep contention out of our homes. 

“Pride adversely affects all our relationships - our relationship with God and His servants, between husband and wife, parent and child, employer and employee, teacher and student and all mankind. Our degree of pride determines how we treat our God and our brothers and sisters. Christ wants to lift us to where He is. Do we desire to do the same for others?”

It is so important that we cherish our relationships, especially those within our family. That is Satan’s biggest goal, to destroy the family. If we are Christ-like, we will become cheerleaders for those we care about and try to life them up just like Christ is always trying to life us up.

“The antidote for pride is humility - meekness, submissiveness. It is the broken heart and contrite spirit.”

It is so important that we are aware of how we stop pride. To be humble is the key to staying away from pride. We need to carry the love of Christ in our hearts so we can be like Him. 

Turning Towards Each Other

President Gordon B. Hinckley has said, “I find selfishness to be the root cause of most of [the problems that lead to broken homes]. I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion…There is a remedy for all of this. It is not found in divorce. It is found in the gospel of the Son of God. He it was who said, ‘What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder’ (Matthew 19:6). The remedy for most marriage stress is not divorce. It is in repentance. It is not in separation. It is in simple integrity that leads a man to square up his shoulders and meet his obligations. It is found in the Golden Rule.”

I think this is great advice given by a Prophet that is supported by scripture. The last sentence is so simple and so true.  When I think of little ways that my husband and I stay connected they are all by turning toward each other. We have been married for over 26 years and we learned about 10 years how to really work as a team. When you are part of a team, you have your job to do and your teammates have theirs. If we both do our jobs, and are there to back each other up we will be successful. Life is busy for everyone, with five kids it seems that its always go, go, go. 

We have also learned the importance of spending one on one time with each other. We go on walks on his days off and talk for a few miles. It’s unfiltered, no little ears of kids listening. We do our best reconnecting and understanding each others points of view during our walks. We have date night every week. Sometimes it’s a nice dinner, sometimes a movie so we can just sit with one another and hold hands and sometimes it’s a trip to Costco. We take whatever time we can find and be together. 

The little actions of making the bed in the morning when you are the last one up, or bathing our little guy and reading him a chapter, or buying one another’s favorite treat when we are out are the little things that really add up and make us feel connected. As a couple we spend more time focusing on the little things in our lives and we find when we do there are big rewards for each other. 

Together We Can Do Anything

“Some think of happiness as a glamorous life of ease, luxury & constant thrills; but true marriage is based on a happiness which is more than that, one which comes from giving, serving, sharing, sacrificing and selflessness”

                                                                                                -Spencer W. Kimball

            Once we were married, it didn’t take long till we could see the differences in the way that we were both raised. I was raised in a strong LDS family, where we went to church every Sunday and both of my parents had very active callings in our ward. My sister and I went to Seminary and always went to our Young Women’s activities and we were never allowed to do anything but church and family on Sunday. 

            My husband’s family are not members of the church. He was baptized when he was 17 years old and served a mission in San Juan, Puerto Rico. For him growing up, they played sports on Sunday’s and never went to church. We had some differences coming into our marriage. 

            We learned to sacrifice for each other because of our commitment to each other. When our kids were older, they played competitive club sports and I was against them playing on Sunday, but my husband wasn’t. He felt that if we went to church we should be able to go to the kid’s games. He said that he considered this to be ‘family’ time. We fought about it at first, and it was becoming a source of contention between us. I finally decided that I would support the kids playing on Sunday if we weren’t missing church. So I became their team manager and I am in charge of scheduling their games. So most season’s we only played a couple of Sundays, after church. The lesson I learned is we need to compromise and find a way to make things work. He felt strongly that watching your kids play their games was family time and I found a way that I could support him and be involved so we didn’t have to play too many Sundays.

Right now I can’t think of anything that I am withholding from my marriage. We have been through so many things, that we both feel like the only way we can do this journey on life is together. 

Friends Forever

Friendships are some of the most basic relationships we have in our lives. We start developing friendships when we are very young. We usually pick friends that we have things in common with, or have some of the same personality traits with. As we get older our friendships start to mean a little more. We start confiding in our friends and we learn what it means to trust and have loyalty to one another. Fast forward to my age, married for 26 years and mother of 5 kids, and my friendships are some of my most important relationships. I consider my friends to be my family that I picked out. 

So wouldn’t it make sense that we marry our best friend? Our spouse should be a friend that we want to journey through life with, to create a family with and to spend eternity with. One of the most important things that keeps a married couple together through good and bad times is friendship. Friendship is like the glue that will keep a couple together. 

Gottmon said, “When a couple have a strong friendship, they naturally become experts at sending each other repair attempts and at correctly reading those sent their way… The success or failure of a couple’s repair attempts is one of the primary factors in whether their marriage is likely to flourish or flounder. And again, what determines the success of their repair attempts is the strength of their marital friendship.”

As a married couple it is so important to make sure we are always working on our friendship, that way in times of a crisis we will be strong and it will help our marriages be successful.

Happy is the man who finds a true friend, and for happier is he who finds that true friend in his wife.’                                                  

                                                                                                -Franz Schubert

Excessive Individualism

“The family is the most important organization in time or in eternity. Our purpose in life is to create for ourselves eternal family units.”

-Joseph Fielding Smith

After doing my reading this week, I feel strongly to write about excessive individualism and how it is particularly detrimental to our society. When I think of excessive individualism, I think of a person that is strong and independent, which I believe are two very good traits, but I also think of someone who feels that they do not need anyone to make their life complete and somewhat self centered. We are seeing this more and more in our society today, and it is making a huge impact on the family.

When we talk about individualism, we need to make sure that we take note that individualism is not a bad thing and as a married couple we should respect one another’s individual identity because that is important. But when it gets to the point that we lose sight of the ties that bind us together as a family that is here it becomes destructive.

Satan’s plan is to destroy families and he is very good at his craft. As a family we need to feel that tie to one another and that we identify with our families. I have often compared families to team sports with my family. When you are on a team, every position is an important position, with specific responsibilities. You need a full team, playing together to be successful. The same is with a family. We each have specific responsibilities, and we all individually bring something to the family unit. If we were to just lose one member of our family, it would make a huge impact on all of us.

We need to stand strong together in our marriage and our families. We need to let one another know how important they are to us and that we value them and need them. We are here to help one another. Rex D. Pinegar said, “Individual burdens and concerns may be lightened by the power of a family unit in mutual love and support and in prayers of faith.”

Defenders of Marriage

When we talk about being ‘Defenders of Marriage’ I think of being ‘Disciples of Christ’. I think it is first important to understand what being a Disciple of Christ is. I love this message given by Sister Sheri L. Dew, “At the heart of becoming disciples is doingwhat we promise to do every time we partake of the sacrament - which is to “always remember” the Lord (see Moroni 4:3; 5:2). This means remembering Him when we choose what media we’re willing to expose our spirits to. It means remembering Him in how we spend our time and when choosing between a steady diet of pop culture or the Word of God. It means remembering Him in the middle of conflict or when temptation looms. It means remembering Him when critics attack His Church and mock truth. It means remembering that we have taken His name upon us. (Mosiah 5:7).”

We do live in very confusing times. Our youth seem to be experiencing pressure to identify who they are. By identifying they mean are you straight, gay, bi, etc. I have made it a point to talk to my girls at home and in Young Women’s class that the only thing they need to worry about identifying with is that they are Daughters of God. This is a great topic that leads right into talking about their Divine Nature.

Russell M. Nelson stated, “Social and political pressures to change marriage laws are resulting in practices contrary to God’s will regarding the eternal nature and purposes of marriage.” We need to stand strong and defend marriage and what it stands for. We need to protect the children and give then the chance to be able to have a mother and a father in their life. We all have different experiences and connections with those that are gay, and whatever that experience is we need to continue to defend marriage, but in a Christ like way. We should not be mean or hate and we need to choose our words carefully. We also need to remember that whatever choices people make, we need to love them, just as Christ does.

Divorce as a Last Resort

"Two individuals approaching the marriage altar must realize that to attain the happy marriage which they hope for they must know that marriage … means sacrifice, sharing, and even a reduction of some personal liberties. It means long, hard economizing. It means children who bring with them financial burdens, service burdens, care and worry burdens; but also it means the deepest and sweetest emotions of all.”

- President Spencer W. Kimball

Divorce is a very common occurrence today. We all know someone that has gone through a divorce, or that has been affected by one. Divorce not only affects the husband and wife but, also the kids. We are now noticing that people are waiting later to get married, are less likely to get married and cohabitation is on the rise. Marriage is being treated more as a disposable arrangement in society.

My parents set a great example of marriage to me growing up and were married for over 40 years. I myself have been married for 26 years. Marriage is not always easy, as a matter of fact marriage requires a lot of hard work, just like the quote from President Kimball states.

If someone were to ask me about the Church’s view on divorce, I would first explain that we believe that marriage is ordained of God. If we are contemplating divorce we are to seek counsel from our Bishop and try to work through our indifferences and try to save our marriage first. Elder Dallin H. Oaks stated, “Latter-day Saint spouses should do all within their power to preserve their marriages.” It requires a lot of forgiveness to get past one another’s faults and shortcomings, but if we can, and focus on the positive attributes of one another, it will strengthen our relationships with each another. If a marriage is falling apart due to abuse and infidelity, the church does support divorce.

Those that we know that have had the unfortunate experience of going through a divorce, we need to support them and their families. We need to help and assist however we can through ministering. In regards to children of divorce, there are a lot of opportunities that we can step in and help. What are some ways that we can support those that we know that have been through a divorce?